Where was all the crazy this year? I have to hand it to the ladies of Hollywood - they mostly pulled it off this year in the fashion stakes. But there were a few WTF moments on the red carpet, so let's take a look.
"Uh, Anne.....Annie, my leeeetle principessa! I am filled with amore for you too, darrrrrlink, but stop trying to kiss my cheek. My tan will smudge. SMUDGE I TEEEEELL YOU! Step away from me, PRONTO! Look, look over there is Mary Hart - can you believe she's 60? Please, go. Go and ask her what de secret is, please darlink."
The Holy Shit, They Just Had a Baby?? Award - Draw: Celine Dion and Penelope Cruz
I mean, really, how awesome do they both look? Anytime Celine wears white people instantly remember that horrific tuxedo by Galliano, but here she looks sophisticated and elegant. This is a classic look and she nailed it. Penelope's got the twins on display a little bit, but the fiery red dress manages to be simple but dazzling. Also a real winner.
The Most Unflattering for Their Shape Award - Jackie Weaver
Honestly, is it just me, or does this dress make her look like she's about three feet tall? It crosses a weird line between matronly and brick shithouse, which is a look no woman wants to achieve. Also, when I look at it I mostly just suspect she wore a frothy skirt so she could wear running shoes underneath for comfort. Points for nice hair and make up though.
The Table Cloth Award - Melissa LeoWhy? Why is there always ONE woman who decides to wear a table cloth for a dress? WHY?
The Curtain Award - Scarlett JohanssonSimilarly there is also often a woman who uses her grandmother's curtains as inspiration. The purple netting look with a high frilly neck and a satin slip underneath? Also just wrong.
The Barbie Award - Reese WitherspoonShe looks gorgeous, there's no denying that. But this dress is a very safe choice for Ms. Witherspoon, and the bouffant ponytail gives this a real evening gown Barbie kind of a look.
The Good On You, Kid Award - Sandra BullockConsidering that just after she won her Oscar last year her life kind of exploded in her face thanks to that fucktard Jesse James, and then she got a reeeeeally bad fringe cut, she's looking gorgeous and confident. Good on her, I say!
The Australian Fail Award - Draw: Nicole Kidman & Cate Blanchett
Nicole just cannot do abstract. On some women it looks avante guard and postmodern and existentialist and whatever else the university kids are saying these days (or ever). On Nicole it just looks like she's picked up the wrong bag from the dry cleaners and didn't realise until the limo was waiting outside to pick her up. Cate Blanchett just looks like she put her dress on backwards. I bet the dress tag is going to itch her collarbone like a motherfucker all night. I do love Nicole's hair though - very nice.
The Kooky Award - Florence Welch
I don't quite know why she was at the Oscars (did she do a song for something? See also: Daphne Zuniga), and I'm not a fan of what looks like crinoline layered ruffles or the fact that she looks like she NEVER DOES HER HAIR WHY, but oddly, on her I think this look works. The colour really suits her and I just kind of dig it.
The Svelte Award - Draw: Michelle Williams & Gwyneth Paltrow
Both skinny, skinny blondes, both in metallic column dresses. I think both of these looks on both of these ladies look great. While Gwyneth's dress is a little bit more contemporary in style that I personally care for, I think she wears it well, and she does look awesome in gold. But I think Michelle Williams has a slight edge over her. The classic style with a high neck and sleeves, along with her striking pixie cut make her look completely stunning.
The Madonna Gloves Award - Someone called Cody Horn
Besides the fact that her dress looks like a drop sheet you put on the floor when you're painting inside the house, I do not know who in their right mind would have convinced her (and themselves) that fishnet fingerless gloves are appropriate for the Oscars red carpet (or anywhere on planet earth, actually).
The Smushed Boobs Award - Jennifer HudsonOkay, first of all, the colour looks AMAZING on her. Amazing. BUT. I know she's lost a bunch of weight and had a baby, and both of those things are great, but I know from various friends that have had babies that your boobs totally change after having kids and breastfeeding. Notably, they apparently deflate and sag. A lot. So, choosing a halter neck dress that does not offer full coverage to each of her girls is a huuuuge mistake. Instead, she has a dress that is trying to give her cleavage when the fabric just can't offer her the kind of support she needs. Too bad, because a better bust line would have made this dress a winner for me.
The Bat in the Chest Award - Sharon Stone
I take it that Ms. Stone was out casting spells and boiling toads in a cauldron right before walking the red carpet today, because that would be the only explanation for what looks like an unfortunate incident with a bat and a kerosene lamp explosion as she leaned over her spell book. You can even see it's fur and stuff. Ew.
The Age-Appropriate Award - Three way tie: Helen Mirren (of course), Annette Bening & Hailee Steinfeld
That colour on Helen Mirren is gorgeous. And her short 'do is super sophisticated. I don't love the puffy sleeves, but overall, her dress is just so lovely. Annette Bening looks somewhat funkier, although she does often suffer from toilet brush hair. But the metallic dress with the white lines running down flatter her so much. I really love the gunmetal grey on her. As for Hailee Steinfeld - so pretty! Someone let Miley Cyrus' sister know Hailee's ensemble is the very definition of the term 'age appropriate'.
The Texture Award Runner Up - Mila Kunis
I love the colour on her - after wearing strong colours at the Globes and the SAGs, this lilac is a nice change for Mila. I love her hair, and the style looks super comfy and flowy on her. The texture throughout livens up what could have been a lacklustre gown, but I'm just not sold on the kind of see-through panels.
The Texture Award - Hilary SwankI really, really love this. The metallic colour with subtle dark shades at the bottom and along the tail is so pretty and understated, but the feathers give it a lovely soft look and I really think Hilary pulls it off well. My only complaint is that Hilary should have done something softer with her hair and left it down. The lack of jewelry and the severe up-do don't do justice to the dress.
The Texture Award Close Call - Halle Berry
You know what Hilary Swank is wearing? Yeah, I think that's what Halle was going for and kind of misssed. Like Annette Bening, Halle also suffers from toilet brush hair a lot of the time, but she looks awesome with it. The bodice of this dress is really pretty, but the layers of messy netting kind of ruin it for me.
The "Good Scissors" Mishap Award - Sunrise Coigney
I know: Who? you're asking. This is Mark Ruffalo's other half.
So, you know how when you're fooling around with your mum's good material scissors that are super sharp and you're trimming your Barbie's hair super short or cutting your own hair too short at the front so that you have to wear a headband for the next five months until it grows back? Yeah, this dress looks like she tried to trim the neck line herself with some super sharp scissors to make an off the shoulder thing and accidentally cut the entire arm off. But she obviously thought she could salvage it, since it is hanging by a thread, so she's pretending it's a flowy scarf thing instead. I bet she's silently wishing she had a wind machine so it would blow around dramatically behind her and people would GET IT without her having to make up some story to cover up her gigantic cock up.
The Best Dressed Award - Runner Up: Natalie Portman
SO GORGEOUS. The colour, the cut, her hair, just everything is PERFECT. This may be the most flattering maternity evening gown in the history of the world. The only thing I don't love is the front bit that's slightly shorter and you can see her matching shoes, which are a bit high school formal-esque. Other than that, she looks stunning.
The Best Dressed Award - Amy AdamsI LOVE THIS. The colour, the sequins, the high neckline and the cap sleeves. She just looks so Old Hollywood Glamour perfect. The emerald necklace isn't my favourite thing in the world, but honestly, it's such a seemingly simple dress and she wears it so well that it was easily my pick of the night.
The Ghost Who Walks Award - Russell Brand
So pale and hollow-cheeked. I just do not get the appeal at all. He sort of looks like the undead.
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