First, I'll let you take in....this.
I don't understand what Kevin McHale was going for here, but I don't think he quite got it. It looks like Dracula Couture. He looks like he's thinking about biting someone.
The Getting There Award - Mayim Bialik
I kind of like this dress, and the colour is lovely on her, and compared to the stuff she's worn on the red carpet in the last year or so, it's a marked improvement. Well done, Mayim!
The Purple Award - Sarah Hyland and Teyonah ParrisThis is stunning. STUNNING. The colour, the lace, everything. I love it.
See also: STUNNING. I love the one shoulder - makes it more interesting than a strapless gown. The colour is AMAZEBALLS.
The Watercolour Impressionist Award - Rose Byrne
This kind of makes me think of those paint with water colouring books we got when we were little. You know, where you'd dip a cheap ass paint brush in water, then paint over the page in the book and different colours would appear. Except you'd kind of get impatient and just start brushing crazily at any and every part of the paper and all the pastel colours would bleed together? Yeah, that's what this dress fabric looks like - something a bunch of five year olds attacked with a cheap paint brush from the two dollar shop. Don't even get me started on the ruffles. Dear Rose: Get a better stylist.
The Gold Award - Jennifer Garner
Mr. and Mrs. Affleck are appearing at a lot of red carpet events at the moment, and Jennifer is killing it. I loved the red she wore at the Golden Globes, and this metallic number is probably the only gold one I saw. Simple cut, but the gold makes up for that. Well played.
The Sassy Award - Elisabeth MossI love this. LOVE IT. Elisabeth is looking so freaking awesome lately. CHRISTINA HENDRICKS, TAKE NOTE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
The Black and White Awards - January Jones, Julianna Margulies and Julieanne Moore
Actually, these aren't awards, since they're all pretty...bad. But let's look anyway.
The flowers are kind of funky, but the low-cut saggy boob look? Not good, Julieanne Moore, not good.
I don't get this. I don't get the split, the tie at the side, the cut, everything about it. The bodice looks like an Olympic swimmer's bathing suit, the bottom is a ball gown. Ugh.
I think January Jones was going for vampy, but what she got was a tuxedo that was, judging by the collar, was made sometime in the early 1900s, and a bouffant hairdo from sometime in the 1950s.
The Green Award - Alfre Woodard
I know some people didn't love this. But on my television, the colour was less lime green and Alfre looked AMAZING. The cut is gorgeous on her figure, and how amazing is her skin? She is sixty, people. SIXTY.
The Stumpy Awards - Amber Riley and Kaley Cuoco
Amber is a curvy girl, and usually dresses amazingly well on the red carpet. This? Stumpy, frumpy, and matronly. The hair is not helping. I like the colour. The rest is Grandma Town.
Okay, who took Kaley's calves? Also, who needs to be arrested for convincing her that wearing a WIG was a good idea? Seriously, EVERY SINGLE awards show, I lament about how she needs a better hair stylist. I WILL NOT STOP LAMENTING. EVER. The colour and lace on the dress are lovely. The length is a disaster. Absolutely horrific. And the pigeon-toed pose is not helping. You know what else? GET A BETTER HAIR STYLIST. PLEASE.
The Understated Award - Vanessa Lengies
Props to Vanessa for being able to wear this colour. Grey is SO hard to carry off well, depending on your skin tone. But the scalloped bodice is so chic, very Flapper-esque. I love her hair, and the accessories are understated and elegant. Love it.
The Too Tight Award - Jessica Chastain
Here's tip: if you're boobs are so close together they're almost a Uniboob, your dress if too tight. Basic rule of thumb: one ginormous boob? Your dress doesn't fit. I like the style , the colour and everything else about it, but it needs to be about half a size bigger.
The Goth Award - Claire Danes
Ew, it's the early 90s again! Dark lipstick, messy hair, gloomy clothes? It must be 1992. After Claire's gorgeous red number from the Globes, this is so, so not what I was hoping for. She's kind of...scaring me a bit.
The Under The Sea Award - Heather Morris
Hair and make up? Love it. Fresh and pretty. The dress? Makes me think of those gross, furry things your foot brushes up against when you're swimming in the ocean. You know the kind where you don't know if it's a piece of seaweed, a pair of wet bathers, or a jellyfish? Ick. Also, it looks like a million bright blue scrunchies were used to make it.
The Textiles Class Award - Lea Michele
Pretty colour, right? But it looks like this was made a year 10 student for their end of year project: the weirdly large bodice and skirt, the extremely large seams, the excessive hem. The student probably got an A. Lea Michele just got the short end of the stick. I do not care for it one bit. Also, can ombre hair please go away?
The Blue Award - Viola Davis
THIS NEEDS CAPSLOCK. HOW GORGEOUS IS THIS? SERIOUSLY! I DON'T LOVE THE CAPE BUT THE REST OF THE DRESS CANCELS OUT THE CAPE.
The Worst Dressed Award - Ellie Kemper
This dress has way too much going on. The netting, the sequins, the hip frills, the hip train. The foofy hair (which is way too dark) makes the whole think look like a train wreck. I love Ellie Kemper, but this dress makes me Sad. Oh, so sad.
The Best Dressed - Tie!
Marion Cotillard looks gorgeous. I ususally don't like mullet dresses, but this one is just lovely. The blue is possibly the lovliest shade I think I've seen, and the simple white strapless bodice is strangely complimentary. Also, her hair is so shiny. I feel we should take note of that.
Amanda Seyfried nailed it. The colour is vibrant, which is hard for navy to do, and she looks effortlessly chic. My other favourite for the night.
Anyone you loved? Let me know in the comments!